As I sit here listening to "Keep Holding On" performed by the Glee cast, I am beginning to think about everything that's happened to me... especially as of late. I thought I found this wonderful guy but it turns out... he wasn't so wonderful after all. We started being incredibly romantic towards each other and then out of the blue... "oh I still have feelings for my ex. I realized that I am not ready for a relationship yet. I hope we can still be friends. I am sorry for leading you on." Seriously? I mean I totally understand about having feelings for someone but isn't the whole point of YOU breaking up with them... that you don't want to be with them romantically anymore? I guess I am just so aggravated about the whole thing that I can't just get over it already. I mean... in order to have a new relationship, you have to try. It's that simple. If you don't try, you won't get anywhere and you will be stuck in your comfort zone. It's hard trying to get out of your comfort zone which is something I have had a really hard time doing. After my break-up and then just trying to put my life together again... I really don't know what's been going on. This semester has been flying by so fast that I literally don't know what's been happening. Marching band and classes and trying to keep a social life... it's really getting to me. My sanity is like dissipating very quickly as of lately.

Dear you.

I want you to know that I can't stop thinking about you. For some reason, you always seem to cheer me up and you don't even know it. I don't know how to tell you how I feel. I just want you to see there is someone out there who could potentially like you for who you are... and not tell you "that I like you as a brother but nothing more". I think that's one of the worst lines... almost as bad as the "we can still be friends" line. I wish I could open your eyes and show you how I see you and maybe you wouldn't be so sad all the time. Life does get better. I can't promise you that... but for some reason, that's how I feel. I hope you understand this. Especially because you'll probably never read this ... so it just makes it all that much better.

My best friend is amazing. I love him dearly. He is probably the only guy who could say this too me and leave me completely speechless.

Thomas Hundley

it is after all "falling" in love

Thomas Hundley

you don't fall by choice or because you're looking for a cliff to jump off of

Thomas Hundley

you fall because there was something in the path that changed the direction of your life, gave you a feeling that you've never quite experienced before. that guy will be perfect for you. you won't be able to see flaws in him even though you know they're there. youll love him for who he is, not what he looks like or how "gifted" he is.

Thomas Hundley

but that could be just my interpretation of love

Good night.

confessions.

I like writing these because someday I hope that I will go back and read these and realize how much I have grown from a certain post or even just many posts. I used to have a LiveJournal and a Xanga and as one thing got popular and another didn't, I changed so I could stay in the main stream of people. I didn't want to follow the crowd but I felt that if I didn't I was going to be forgotten. Sometimes I still believe that it is true. I don't have as many friends as I used to. I don't really even talk to that many people anymore. My best friend and my roommate live an hour and a half away from me so it is hard to see them in person. Some of the new people that I met this year live up in New England so it is relatively impossible to get there. I had an opportunity to go to California for 5 days with my friend Kim who lives in Massachusetts but I couldn't go because I was house sitting for a friend... I want to kick myself for not going because it could have been an amazing trip with a good friend. But I didn't go. And it sucked but oh well... there was really nothing I could do.

I wanted to write this to get some more feelings out.

I am sick and tired of being your go-to girl. I have a personality you know. I am more than just my body and until you can stop thinking with your dick and start thinking with your brain, you shouldn't contact me in any way. I will not be "ready to talk" until you can respect me as a person and not just as a piece of meat. I think you are disgusting in the way you talk and do as you please with women and with yourself. I wish that you would just grow up and realize not everything or every relationship is built on sex. I wish you could just understand how innocent my love is for you and how I never want to change that but until you calm down, I don't want to be apart of any of it. I don't even want to be your friend because you can't not flirt with me. I don't want to be lead on anymore because I am tired of crying knowing that I will never get you back. I thought you were the one for me but for some reason, you don't think so anymore. You don't even think I am good enough for you and yet, you keep talking to me like nothing ever happened. What I said and how I felt are two completely different things... I want to be in a relationship with you. I don't want to see you date other people and I think you know that. I want to date you but I hate you so much for what you have done to me. I wish I had never done the things we did otherwise I wouldn't feel so bad for the end of this relationship. Not one day has gotten any easier and honestly, I couldn't love you more. I want to hate you. I get very angry when I see your name and when you try to contact me... yet I get angry when you don't. I know this is love and I don't know what it will take for you to understand that but I do. I know you don't feel the same and you probably never will again but I can't help but try. I don't want to be stuck for the rest of my life regretting not trying to get you to love me again. I want to be with you but I want to hate you so I can get some relief with this pain. So at this current point in time, I am just through with it all. I hope we can grow from this and be good friends... maybe. For now, I don't want to be apart of anything you do. I hope you understand that this is for my mental sanity.

big things comes in small packages.

So as much happy news as I had last time, it isn't so happy this time and even more so depressing.

Everything seemed to take an emotional downturn as of lately. It's been exactly a week since Brandon and I broke up again. We agreed this time that we would just walk away. He said some things that should never be said to anyone and yet, he manages to say whatever he can to hurt me. So if I have learned anything within these past 7 months of this no longer existing relationship, is that I will never be with a guy who does this ever again. I am emotionally unstable that I don't need another person who toys with my emotions and won't take any responsibility for his actions. I want someone who will actually listen to what I have to say, not take what I said and put it on the back burner of his mind. He's a good person but he's got an ego that is hurting who he can be. He needs to learn that everything isn't about him.

I started writing this a week ago. I kept the webpage open so I could just think about what I wanted to write in this blog. Brandon and I have been broken up for two weeks now. I have gone through an incredible emotional breakdown that I don't really know what is going to happen here in the future. But I guess that is the uncertainty of life. No one ever really knows what is going to happen in their future unless it is completely planned out for them. My life isn't like that. I have been thinking about everything: where I will be in a few years, what's going to happen in the fall semester and the best one, can I even make it to tomorrow? I had a huge crying session to Kelly last night. It got a lot of my frustrations out especially the ones about her. I have no idea what is going to happen. All I know is I am not ready for it. I am not emotionally prepared for it. I can't wait to move in. I met my new roommate and she is awesome. She's really lovable and a nerd just like Danni and I so she is going to fit in very well :)

I don't know what to do. I have had many thoughts of leaving. I won't disclose where until things are final because I don't want people to be sad about my departure. That is if I even go anywhere. I have a general idea of what I want to do and where I want to go and why I want to go there. Unfortunately, this issue of money and dealing with what I want to do has had a big impact on my life.

I just want to forget a lot that has happened since March. I haven't really been the same since and I am not sure that I ever will be. I made a lot of mistakes but I know there were things that weren't my fault and I wish people would grow up and see they make mistakes too. And I have to say, my biggest one as of lately, is not being able to let go. I had to get hurt here and part of me thinks that you just don't care that it happened. As long as you could do what you wanted. But whatever I don't have to care what you do with your life because you chose the path you did and it was without me. I'll be here whenever you want but I am more than just my looks. Don't forget that. Good night.

Time to post a better update...

Well it has been almost two weeks since Brandon and I got back together. It was nice and I love that boy more than he probably knows. Us being apart this summer has opened my eyes to a whole new experience. It has made me realize how dependent I seem to be on Brandon and I never realized it until now. So I have been trying to give him space to help this whole separation thing go by quickly. It isn't working to well but I am taking it one day at a time to get through it. Even though I am growing up, what seems rather quickly, I can't help but think if this is the person that I am going to marry and have kids with and so on and so forth but every time I do think about it I remind myself that I shouldn't get my hopes up. I celebrate my 19th birthday in November and I think that I am just not experienced enough in the real world to consider even wanting to get married. But yet, I still do. I know what dress I want, what environment I want and who I want my bridesmaids to be.

For now, I am just going to focus on the relationship I have with my friends and my boyfriend. I am going to focus on getting good grades, possibly getting into a fraternity, and just living life and being young. Brandon told me something today that someone told him... "we have the rest of our lives to sit on the couch and flip channels" ... which makes me think about what I want to do before I settle down. And first things first, getting my first internship done... and I think I know where I want to go. Problem is... I have to get over my fear of planes...

Will I ever do anything good in their eyes?

Everything I do is a joke in their eyes. I can't please them. I waste money. I can't ever do anything right. What kind of people are you? Your other child, your more important child, everything about her is more important and better and has a bigger effect on what happens.

My dad thinks that USC is a joke. He says it is a mediocre school and would do anything for me to transfer anywhere else. And yet, when I try to defend myself and a whole bunch of my friends who go there, he just tells me to shut my mouth, that he doesn't want to hear it anymore. Yet, he wants to talk to Kelly who is in Japan, having a great time... and spending money out the wa-zoo, he doesn't get mad. He just tries to make sure that she's safe and going to come back and not do anything to jeopardize her future. Yet I could probably move out and not tell them where I am and they wouldn't care. Okay, that was a little much. My mom would care... my dad would just try to figure out how much money I was spending.

Now im just ranting. It's time to go.

Following the Right Road

I have been talking to him a lot lately. I feel like there are times when we could just be good friends and then sometimes, I feel like he's flirting with me. It is hard to tell over text messages but since I have been talking to him for so long, I am beginning to tell the difference. Though I do not agree with the break-up, I am not going to make it completely awkward between us and actually try to be friends.

After previous break-ups, I had a tendency to not talk to the person that I had been dating. I know it took a few years for me to become friends with a few people again.

But that was beside the point. I hate it when people fill thoughts into your head. Things that they really mean and then go and break your heart. I almost makes me not want to fall in love again. I am so shy and it is really hard to meet people.

For the last few days, I have been wondering what God has in store for me now. I want to know what His plan is but no one ever knows what His plan is until it's unfolding itself in front of our eyes. I feel like I have grown farther from God because I was too lazy to get out of bed and I always wanted to make people happy by always being available. My friends know that I am, during the school year anyways, always busy because I keep it that way by stocking up on homework and projects just to freak out the day before they are due. If I have managed to do them before the due date, then I get bored. However, my quality of work is a lot better.

So I have been looking for answers. I don't have a clue if I have found them but I know I won't stop looking until they have been answered.

[EDIT] I just remembered the real reason that I wanted to write a blog today. My birthday lands directly on thanksgiving this year. Unfortunately, I cannot go anywhere because of the Carolina-Clemson game on that Saturday. I can't ask anyone to come over because they will be spending time with their families. So I might have Kelly here with me and that's about it. I do hope that everyone has a good Thanksgiving and I am not trying to make anyone feel bad here. I want to bring light on a situation at which I seemingly am getting upset over. I'll figure out something to do.

I don't know what's happening...

For a few days now, I have been trying to get it together. After this break-up, I just feel discarded and unwanted. In the previous relationships, I was incredibly young and I guess I really didn't understand that I might never date again. I am not saying that I won't but at this current point in time, I am so upset that I can barely function and its been 3 days. I didn't date in high school because I didn't want to get hurt. It worked for the most part. I did like some people but I would never really go any further and tell them how I felt because I was scared.

So the one time I really take a risk, it backfired.

Things have been so negative since March. I can't remember when people just turned their backs on other people for having problems and not being able to handle all this pressure that is brought on by friends and school work and family problems. Some people have it worse. I can admit that. But for some reason, I feel like barely anything positive has come out of the last 3 months.

Right before spring break, I found out a fellow band mate from White Knoll was in the hospital for a brain aneurism. I was so overwhelmed with that and midterms and trying to join a sorority that I just lost it. I became numb and couldn't focus on much of anything. After spring break, I got kicked out of the process of trying to join a sorority because they wouldn't listen to what was going on with me. A friend of mine's mother passed away a month later. I almost failed a class. My sister got to go to Japan. I got to sit here and try to find a job in this suckish economy for an internship that I was supposed to do this summer. I couldn't do that so I had to drop the class. So on top of all of that... my boyfriend lived an hour an half away and just recently we broke up.

So I guess I am just cursed. I have no luck whatsoever and every time I even come close to attempting something good, it backfires. Good reason to want to give up, huh? Yeah, I thought so. So I am trying to keep myself busy with things to make me not think about how awful things are right now but I don't know if I can do that all the time.

Everyone just keeps telling me to take it one day at a time and I don't feel it getting any better. Some people just have really bad timing.