confessions.

I like writing these because someday I hope that I will go back and read these and realize how much I have grown from a certain post or even just many posts. I used to have a LiveJournal and a Xanga and as one thing got popular and another didn't, I changed so I could stay in the main stream of people. I didn't want to follow the crowd but I felt that if I didn't I was going to be forgotten. Sometimes I still believe that it is true. I don't have as many friends as I used to. I don't really even talk to that many people anymore. My best friend and my roommate live an hour and a half away from me so it is hard to see them in person. Some of the new people that I met this year live up in New England so it is relatively impossible to get there. I had an opportunity to go to California for 5 days with my friend Kim who lives in Massachusetts but I couldn't go because I was house sitting for a friend... I want to kick myself for not going because it could have been an amazing trip with a good friend. But I didn't go. And it sucked but oh well... there was really nothing I could do.

I wanted to write this to get some more feelings out.

I am sick and tired of being your go-to girl. I have a personality you know. I am more than just my body and until you can stop thinking with your dick and start thinking with your brain, you shouldn't contact me in any way. I will not be "ready to talk" until you can respect me as a person and not just as a piece of meat. I think you are disgusting in the way you talk and do as you please with women and with yourself. I wish that you would just grow up and realize not everything or every relationship is built on sex. I wish you could just understand how innocent my love is for you and how I never want to change that but until you calm down, I don't want to be apart of any of it. I don't even want to be your friend because you can't not flirt with me. I don't want to be lead on anymore because I am tired of crying knowing that I will never get you back. I thought you were the one for me but for some reason, you don't think so anymore. You don't even think I am good enough for you and yet, you keep talking to me like nothing ever happened. What I said and how I felt are two completely different things... I want to be in a relationship with you. I don't want to see you date other people and I think you know that. I want to date you but I hate you so much for what you have done to me. I wish I had never done the things we did otherwise I wouldn't feel so bad for the end of this relationship. Not one day has gotten any easier and honestly, I couldn't love you more. I want to hate you. I get very angry when I see your name and when you try to contact me... yet I get angry when you don't. I know this is love and I don't know what it will take for you to understand that but I do. I know you don't feel the same and you probably never will again but I can't help but try. I don't want to be stuck for the rest of my life regretting not trying to get you to love me again. I want to be with you but I want to hate you so I can get some relief with this pain. So at this current point in time, I am just through with it all. I hope we can grow from this and be good friends... maybe. For now, I don't want to be apart of anything you do. I hope you understand that this is for my mental sanity.