Will I ever do anything good in their eyes?

Everything I do is a joke in their eyes. I can't please them. I waste money. I can't ever do anything right. What kind of people are you? Your other child, your more important child, everything about her is more important and better and has a bigger effect on what happens.

My dad thinks that USC is a joke. He says it is a mediocre school and would do anything for me to transfer anywhere else. And yet, when I try to defend myself and a whole bunch of my friends who go there, he just tells me to shut my mouth, that he doesn't want to hear it anymore. Yet, he wants to talk to Kelly who is in Japan, having a great time... and spending money out the wa-zoo, he doesn't get mad. He just tries to make sure that she's safe and going to come back and not do anything to jeopardize her future. Yet I could probably move out and not tell them where I am and they wouldn't care. Okay, that was a little much. My mom would care... my dad would just try to figure out how much money I was spending.

Now im just ranting. It's time to go.

Following the Right Road

I have been talking to him a lot lately. I feel like there are times when we could just be good friends and then sometimes, I feel like he's flirting with me. It is hard to tell over text messages but since I have been talking to him for so long, I am beginning to tell the difference. Though I do not agree with the break-up, I am not going to make it completely awkward between us and actually try to be friends.

After previous break-ups, I had a tendency to not talk to the person that I had been dating. I know it took a few years for me to become friends with a few people again.

But that was beside the point. I hate it when people fill thoughts into your head. Things that they really mean and then go and break your heart. I almost makes me not want to fall in love again. I am so shy and it is really hard to meet people.

For the last few days, I have been wondering what God has in store for me now. I want to know what His plan is but no one ever knows what His plan is until it's unfolding itself in front of our eyes. I feel like I have grown farther from God because I was too lazy to get out of bed and I always wanted to make people happy by always being available. My friends know that I am, during the school year anyways, always busy because I keep it that way by stocking up on homework and projects just to freak out the day before they are due. If I have managed to do them before the due date, then I get bored. However, my quality of work is a lot better.

So I have been looking for answers. I don't have a clue if I have found them but I know I won't stop looking until they have been answered.

[EDIT] I just remembered the real reason that I wanted to write a blog today. My birthday lands directly on thanksgiving this year. Unfortunately, I cannot go anywhere because of the Carolina-Clemson game on that Saturday. I can't ask anyone to come over because they will be spending time with their families. So I might have Kelly here with me and that's about it. I do hope that everyone has a good Thanksgiving and I am not trying to make anyone feel bad here. I want to bring light on a situation at which I seemingly am getting upset over. I'll figure out something to do.

I don't know what's happening...

For a few days now, I have been trying to get it together. After this break-up, I just feel discarded and unwanted. In the previous relationships, I was incredibly young and I guess I really didn't understand that I might never date again. I am not saying that I won't but at this current point in time, I am so upset that I can barely function and its been 3 days. I didn't date in high school because I didn't want to get hurt. It worked for the most part. I did like some people but I would never really go any further and tell them how I felt because I was scared.

So the one time I really take a risk, it backfired.

Things have been so negative since March. I can't remember when people just turned their backs on other people for having problems and not being able to handle all this pressure that is brought on by friends and school work and family problems. Some people have it worse. I can admit that. But for some reason, I feel like barely anything positive has come out of the last 3 months.

Right before spring break, I found out a fellow band mate from White Knoll was in the hospital for a brain aneurism. I was so overwhelmed with that and midterms and trying to join a sorority that I just lost it. I became numb and couldn't focus on much of anything. After spring break, I got kicked out of the process of trying to join a sorority because they wouldn't listen to what was going on with me. A friend of mine's mother passed away a month later. I almost failed a class. My sister got to go to Japan. I got to sit here and try to find a job in this suckish economy for an internship that I was supposed to do this summer. I couldn't do that so I had to drop the class. So on top of all of that... my boyfriend lived an hour an half away and just recently we broke up.

So I guess I am just cursed. I have no luck whatsoever and every time I even come close to attempting something good, it backfires. Good reason to want to give up, huh? Yeah, I thought so. So I am trying to keep myself busy with things to make me not think about how awful things are right now but I don't know if I can do that all the time.

Everyone just keeps telling me to take it one day at a time and I don't feel it getting any better. Some people just have really bad timing.