things are falling into an oblivion

I am going to post on here because I just don't feel like posting this all over myspace.
Everything is absolute crap. it may not seem that way but it is. i get annoyed by everything and i really hate it when people throw everything out of context.

for the record. i am not trying to lose weight. i think i am just fine. i am trying to keep the weight off... so dont call me anorexic because im not that stupid to do something like that.

second ... i may talk funny sometimes. don't pick on me. that really gets on my nerves. i may extend some sounds that don't need to be there but that really isn't necessary to pick on someone about. so stop.

third ... shut up already. oh my goodness. that's all for that.

fourth ... stop dwelling on stuff that doesn't matter.

fifth ... i am really beginning to hate band. more than anything. the people in there are immature. they dont understand when to grow up and be a part of this amazing ensemble but no. it doesn't matter. my opinions don't matter. it isnt that hard to put up your cell phone, stop reading books, and stop freaking talking. work on the music that you obviously can't play otherwise we wouldnt be where we are right now.

i am really thankful for thomas and mercedes. those are the only two people who i feel aren't getting annoyed with me. they know a lot of what's going on and they aren't bothering me with things that are completely irrelevant. i just thank them for letting me talk to them and them not laughing about how i talk or judging me because im making "stupid" choices. i mean like why does it matter if i do or do not go to prom. seriously. it's my choice. i might go, i might not. i dont know yet. it's FEBRUARY 21st and prom is on APRIL 19th. that's a little under two months. that's a long time. CARNEGIE HALL and USC AUDITIONS are more important right now.

ugh. im not a happy person and i havent been for quite awhile. this just sucks. more than people know. some people dont even seem to care that my family is falling apart. but it's not on the outside that people would see this.

it goes to show how much competition i have between my sister. and she isn't even here! i have to have good grades (which i dont) ... i have to want to do something with my life (music composer/performer ... some profession compared to kelly's veterinarian skills) ... i have to be top of my game (which im not because i can't take all of this) ... i have to be good enough (which im not because she is all that matters) ... and most of all... i have to stop caring because that seems like the only way for them to notice. when things are falling part in my little head, they seem to notice that im not doing as well as i should. they dont even notice that somethings wrong. how lame is that?

i wish i could fix it. but i can't. im just going to stop trying. maybe things will change. ill do my daily routine and just get on with my life. stop dwelling on the things that don't matter. and start ... well nothing.

you know what's sad? the only people who ask me how im doing... are the people at work. aren't your friends supposed to do that?